MAY 2016 - Family Feud

Conflict is inevitable in life and especially in our families. When a group of sinful people is doing life together daily in a shared space called a home, conflict will naturally arise. Siblings argue, husbands and wives have fights, and parents and children seem to have ongoing waves of tension between them. If these things are normal in your house, you are not alone!

While conflict is going to happen in our homes, we can still chose to deal with the conflict in a way that glorifies God. Building a healthy family is not about the absence of conflict, but rather how we respond to the conflict. While this is not an exhaustive list, here are some things that can help you begin to deal with conflict in your home and in your life.

• PRAYER

Prayer should be the first place we turn. Sadly, it is often the last place we turn once we have desperately tried everything else. There are no perfect people in this world and there are no perfect families. That seemingly perfect family...YEP...they deal with conflict, too. They just do a better job of trying to hide it from everyone else.

As humans, we all struggle with issues such as selfishness, pride, anger, and jealousy. James 4 tells us this is what causes quarrels and fights among people. Only Jesus can change the wicked and sinful human heart. Begin by praying that God would reveal YOUR own sinfulness in the midst of conflict. Pray that God would change your heart so that you act and react in a Christ-like manner.

• COMMUNICATION

In this world of technology, interpersonal communication is becoming a lost art. We live such busy, fast-paced lives, that many families struggle to have meaningful communication. Parents must regularly communicate expectations to their children and repeat those expectations often. As an employee, you would be unhappy about being disciplined for breaking a policy that was never communicated. In the same way, how can we hold our children accountable when they have no clue what is expected from them. If you assume your kids know what is expected, there is going to be a lot of conflict and frustration on both ends.

Not only do expectations need to be communicated, but we also need to allow space to communicate feelings. I have a feeling that many teenagers believe this is usually a one way street in their families. As a parent, I am guilty of sharing my frustration in a way that is not so kind. At times, I am unwilling to hear any kind of response from the kids about their feelings. When they lash back at me in anger or frustration, it is very easy to become angry at them. There are definitely times when our children simply need to listen, but they also need space for their voice and their feelings to be heard as well. Part of the discipleship process is helping our children process the thoughts and feelings that are going on inside of them. This can't happen without two-way communication.

Many children today live under a constant microscope. They often know very well the areas where they need improvement. They could ace a test covering the areas where their parents, coaches, and teachers are disappointed with them, because they are often constantly reminded. How often do you take the time to praise your children and lovingly use their failures to point them toward Jesus and the Gospel?

• COMPROMISE

Good communication can sometimes lead to compromise and meeting in the middle when dealing with conflict. With our children, not every situation will allow for compromise. However, sometimes we are never willing to meet in the middle. Our expectations can be unrealistic and sometimes we do not handle situations the way we should. Parents make mistakes! I make a lot of mistakes!! We should own up to them when we do. Meeting in the middle can be a way to show our children that we do indeed listen to them and care about what they have to say.

• RESPECT

Children are commanded to honor and respect their parents. On the flip end, parents are also commanded not to provoke or exasperate their children. Respect is another one of those things that needs to be a two-way street. If we fly off the handle with our children, then we should not be surprised when they respond back in a similar manner. Our children will respond to conflict in the way that is modeled for them. It is our responsibility as Christian parents to model for our children Christ-honoring speech and ways to deal with conflict that glorify God.

• FORGIVENESS

Because we live in a sinful world, we hurt people and get hurt by others. Often we are hurt most by the people we are closest to such as our spouse and family members. Jesus desires that we live at peace with other Christians. If we are going to deal with conflict in our homes, then we must learn to forgive others. When you make a mistake in your parenting, confess it to the Lord and your children and ask for their forgiveness. If we want our children to be gracious and merciful to others by offering forgiveness when hurt or wronged, then we need to model this for them.

Parenting is an amazing responsibility that is really hard. We all mess up and make mistakes. Take comfort in knowing there are no perfect parents. Perhaps you haven't done a great job in dealing with conflict in your home, but you can always take steps toward dealing with conflict in a way that encourages your children and honors the Lord.